"That Mom.” Shaking Shame Part 2

After dropping my two kids off at pre-school one chilly morning, I was looking forward to some uninterrupted, quiet time alone. Within an hour, the school called. “Mrs. Clark your son is out-of-control. We have to ask you to come pick him up."

Sadness and disappointment swept over me, “God, help me. I really needed that down time and a break from the intensity of parenting right now. Help me keep an open hand and heart to what this day brings."

I walked into the office and the principal kindly informed me that my son was no longer welcome to stay the full four hours of pre-school. He could only stay for two because he was too disruptive to the class. My heart sank and I felt ashamed that my son was causing so much trouble.

Since my daughter was still attending, we had about an hour or so before I needed to pick her up, so it didn’t make sense to go back home. I decided Chick-fil-a afforded him the opportunity to exert some energy on the playground. It was lunch hour and finding a table close to the playground was challenging, so we sat a few rows a way. I gave my son “the kindness talk” and sent him to the playground while I waited at the table for them to call our name.

Within minutes, I see a small group of moms congregating near the doorway of the play area looking down on my son and scolding him. I immediately got up to see what was going on. One mom looked at me with disgust and rebuked me for not having more control over my son who had apparently pushed her little girl down.

I was THAT MOM. The Mom who “obviously” didn’t care if her son hurt others. The Mom who should be hovering over her child 24/7 to make sure he acts perfectly in all circumstances. The Mom who must not be disciplining her kids. Yeah, I was THAT MOM.

I apologized that her daughter was hurt, picked-up my son and took him back to the table. I let him know that because he was causing harm to others, he wouldn’t be allowed to play in the play area and that he needed to stay at the table with me.

He was deeply angered by this "apparent injustice," slammed his fists on the table and screamed at the top of his lungs, “NO!!! I won’t stay here with you!!” You could hear a pin drop and every eye in the restaurant was on us. I just wanted to crawl under the table and die. I never thought I’d be so happy to hear someone call my name (our food was ready). I put my son on my hip, slung my purse over my shoulder, grabbed our food and walked out. He kicked and punched me all the way to our van while tears poured down my face.

What is going on? Lord, I don’t understand. I’ve done my best to love this kid. Why is he acting this way? Give me wisdom and help me know what to do.

We got to the van and I had to physically hold his stiffening, resistant body in the car seat with one hand while buckling him in with the other. All I could do was tell him through tears, “Mommy loves you buddy.”

When he heard those words and saw my compassion, something shifted. His anger turned into sorrow and he tearfully said, “I love you, too, Mommy.” I wiped the tears from his face and let him know we’ll get through this together.

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There’s five simple principles I learned from this experience:

1) Heart connection is made through our ability to honestly open ourselves emotionally to one another, including our children.

2) When we feel shamed by others, it reinforces the lies we moms are already good at telling ourselves, “My best isn't good enough.” We can’t let shame tell us who we are.

3) A humble apology defuses a tense situation a lot faster than defending ourselves.

4) Always give another mama the benefit of the doubt when she’s struggling or her kids are acting out. You never know how hard she’s trying and how far your encouragement will go.

5) Sometimes our kids subconsciously test us to see if our love will still be evident despite what they do. When they feel loved, it soothes their hearts.

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Have you ever felt ashamed of your kid’s behavior? How did it effect you?

What are some ways you emotionally connect with your kids?

What are some things you’ve learned as a parent in challenging moments?